Feeling Overwhelmed & Anxious? Here’s How to Find Calm Through Attachment Theory and Polyvagal Insights
Life can sometimes feel like a whirlwind. With so much happening around us, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and anxious. For many, these feelings run deeper than the day-to-day stresses of life. They reflect a constant state of being on edge, managing fears of rejection, abandonment, or simply not being good enough. If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone, and there are ways to bring more calm and regulation into your life.
By understanding concepts like attachment styles and polyvagal theory, you can begin to recognize your patterns of anxiety, work towards healing, and develop tools to soothe your nervous system. This blog explores how these ideas can offer clarity and practical steps to support your emotional well-being.
Recognizing Anxiety Through the Lens of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory offers profound insights into why we feel and act the way we do, especially in relationships. At its core, attachment theory explains how our early experiences with caregivers shape the way we connect and interact with others today.
Do you tend to overthink your texts, worrying about how someone might interpret them? Do you often feel unworthy of receiving love or validation? These are signs that an anxious attachment style may be at play. People with anxious attachment often fear rejection, crave closeness, and feel overly sensitive to subtle changes in others' behavior.
On the other hand, avoidant attachment styles might push people away when anxiety arises, preferring independence over intimacy to avoid vulnerability. There’s also secure attachment, where individuals feel a balance of connection and autonomy in relationships, though many of us are still working towards this state.
Understanding Nervous System Regulation With Polyvagal Theory
If attachment theory explains why you feel anxious, polyvagal theory dives into how your body responds to those emotions. Polyvagal theory, pioneered by Dr. Stephen Porges, focuses on the role of the vagus nerve in regulating our nervous system and emotional states.
When you feel safe and calm, your nervous system is in its "ventral vagal state." This is where connection and well-being thrive. However, when stressors arise, your nervous system might enter "fight or flight" (sympathetic state) or "freeze" (dorsal vagal state).
For example, imagine feeling panicked when someone doesn’t text you back (fight or flight) or shutting down emotionally when a friend cancels plans (freeze). These are responses from a dysregulated nervous system.
Recognizing these states can empower you to take steps to bring your body back to calm and connection.
How to Regulate Your Nervous System
The good news? There are ways to guide your nervous system toward a more regulated state, even in moments of overwhelm. Here are some strategies rooted in polyvagal and somatic practices:
1. Ground Yourself in the Present
When anxiety takes over, your thoughts might race into the future or dwell on the past. Grounding exercises bring your attention back to the present. Try these simple techniques:
Five Senses Exercise: Name five things you see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
Deep Breathing: Breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, and exhale for 6. Slow, intentional breathing signals safety to your nervous system.
2. Engage in Physical Movement
Physical activity helps release pent-up energy from a fight-or-flight state.
Take a quick walk or stretch your body. Simple movements like shaking out your hands or rolling your shoulders can bring relief.
Dance to your favorite song or do yoga to activate your ventral vagal state.
3. Connect With Others
Talking to a friend or loved one is one of the most effective ways to calm your nervous system. Humans are wired for connection, and a warm conversation can reaffirm your sense of safety.
4. Soothe With Touch
Calming physical sensations can help ease anxiety.
Try placing your hand on your chest and gently saying, "I’m here; I’m safe."
Weighted blankets and soft fabrics can also provide comfort to your nervous system.
5. Use Vagus Nerve Exercises
Stimulating the vagus nerve can help regulate your system. Activities like humming, gargling, or even splashing your face with cold water can shift you toward calm.
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Lastly, and most importantly, be kind to yourself. Notice when critical thoughts arise and gently counter them with kinder ones. Say, "It’s okay to feel this way. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough."
Recognizing Dysregulation and Returning to Calm
How do you know if your nervous system is dysregulated? Signs include feeling constantly overwhelmed, having trouble focusing, being irritable, or shutting down emotionally. The key is to notice these patterns without judgment.
For example, as someone with an anxious attachment style, I’ve often noticed how easily my thoughts spiral out of control. There were days when I’d send a message to someone and immediately worry if I’d said something wrong, checking my phone obsessively for a reply. Those moments of anxiety felt like they owned me.
But over time, I learned to pause and ask myself, What’s my body trying to tell me right now? This gentle awareness was the first step toward reclaiming my calm and finding a sense of safety within myself.
Building a Stronger Relationship With Yourself
Ultimately, understanding your attachment style and learning to regulate your nervous system isn’t just about creating harmony in relationships with others; it’s about fostering a loving relationship with yourself. When you can identify your patterns, self-soothe during moments of distress, and seek connection from a place of security rather than scarcity, you create space for growth, healing, and joy.
If you’re seeking additional support on this path, know that resources and communities are available to guide you. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and at peace within your own skin.
Take a deep breath. Start where you are. You’ve got this.
References
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. W.W. Norton & Company.
Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. W.W. Norton & Company.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. New Harbinger Publications.
